Well it’s been awhile since I have written on here, admittedly. Not because I don’t have a bunch of things roaming through my head that I wish I could vomit right out of my mouth, but because I am in the midst of a trial that has yet to receive its verdict. It is hard for me to write about situations I am currently in, because I can’t approach them rationally without my emotions about the situation shaping my thoughts. I think and write with a little more nuance after the fact than during, and since I am still trying to navigate my way through this particular season, I haven’t had the ability to write about it yet.
But what I can write about is how I am keeping myself grounded throughout this process. Instead of talking about the situation, I will talk about how I am able to focus on the day to day in order to survive this season. “What is your anchor?” is a question I’ve thought about a lot in regards to how I would answer that. A lot of times, I would first refer to my faith, something that is uttered so much by so many people that that answer is now probably cliche. However, cliche or not, it doesn’t take away from the fact that faith is legitimately a strong foundation for a lot of people, myself included. With that said, I don’t think I would refer to faith as my anchor.
I have developed a new approach to the question of what my anchor is.. which is that I don’t have an anchor of any kind at the moment. I know that sounds weird but bear with me as I try to explain this uncanny perspective I have.
Everyone is prone to look for anchors in their life, whether they realize it or not. Little things, big things, or anything in between to latch onto in order to feel grounded and safe from the dread of life getting away from you. Some may anchor to their childhood neighborhood because it makes them feel known for who they are, or maybe some people anchor themselves to their clothes and fashion because in that space it can make you feel strong and beautiful. Anchors are specific to the individual and each have their own reasons for one thing or the other being the anchor for them. Anchors are holds on our life, where we hold on to it and it holds on to us.
Personally, for me, it feels like my life has been un-anchored. What I thought I knew, I realized I know nothing about. Who I thought was reliable, turned out to be the furthest thing from it. At first, as things seemed to turn against me in this season, I felt pillaged by God. Robbed of what I held to be my foundation for so many years of my life. But now, I look at the things taken away and feel blessed by them. It’s a process that I am struggling through right now, but I am on the way to feeling more secure in myself than I ever have before.
None of this is by my doing, it is all God who set this in motion for me. To un-anchor and to find rest internally. Losing things and people who once were so important to me has gained me more intimacy with God, a deeper calling and a more peripheral vision of my life and what it’s supposed to be. I find my rest and my foundation in Him.
Yes, my soul, find rest in God;
my hope comes from him.
Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.